Twelve Steps to Get Back to Where You Came From
1) Believe that, although “where” is a space-time continuum that is no longer “there,” you can go home, again.
2) Believe in witches and pack ruby slippers along with all your unintended baggage.
3) Forget why you left in the first place and accept you will meet all of those people who will remind you, in painful detail.
4) Enumerate bodily losses – spans of hair and nails; ounces of skin, red and white blood cells; number of eggs; appendix, gallbladder, ovaries, uterus, left breast, and that which is nearly immeasurable or barely perceptible – strength of grip, the right hand and the left; the tensile strength of tendons, muscle and ligaments; bone density; information, retrieval of old and learning of new; bladder, reliability and inconvenient incidences; bowels, ditto.
5) Document add-ons – pacemaker, STENTS, vaginal mesh sling, hardware – femoral head, tibial, patellar and menisus replacement plates, various screws, lawsuits, pending and resolved regarding any and all of the aforementioned.
6) Likewise, note country of origin – Germany, Switzerland, China, Japan, Pakistan.
7) Provide proof of U.S. citizenship.
8) Reconcile #7 with #’s 5 & 6.
9) In event of failure re: #8, recite as incontrovertible proof the last five Super Bowl Champions and latest version of the Second Amendment.
10) Engage in deliberate acts of nostalgia, which you will subvert. For example, agree to meet your first ex-boyfriend for a “quickie” for old time’s sake, then at a critical moment, ask if he suffers from erectile dysfunction.
11) Rock while humming Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Recall the taste of your thumb and the weightlessness of floating in limited space.
12) Fold yourself into a fetal position or close as. Regret you never took up yoga.